The Cowboys' football season is here again, and as we all gear up to live and die with Wade and the boys one more time, I'm reminded of a funny story.
Unfortunately, I can't remember it right now. So instead I will tell you the story of Star Wars: This young guy falls in love with his sister and blows up a Death Star.
The End.
Come to think of it, this is kinda like the story of Tony Romo. Not the sister-loving part. And not the blowing-up part. But the coming out of nowhere to lead a team of warriors inside a Death Star.
Wait. Crap. That IS the story I was thinking of. Silly me. I deserve a spanking for that. A hard spanking. Preferably by a large man who is drug- and disease-free, near the mid-cities, who is as put out by the removal of Craigslist Adult Services as I am.
One thing I have learned, and can say without fear of redundancy, is that the Dallas Cowboys mean everything to the D-FW people in Dallas and Fort Worth and its residents. We can't get enough analysis and dissection. And since I am a noted Cowboys expert (noted for good looks and a playful approach to hygiene), I offer you ...
My Top 10 Cowboys Predictions About Your Dallas Cowboys
1. The Cowboys will be shaky out of the gate, losing to the Redskins when David Buehler misses an easy 72-yard field goal. Excuses of distance and gale-force winds will fall on deaf ears, causing Buehler to break up with actress Marlee Matlin.
2. Cowboys fans will be devastated when Dez Bryant suffers a season-ending foot injury after absentmindedly agreeing to carry Roy Williams' collection of bowling balls across rocky terrain. Other receivers try to step up, but also find the rocky terrain difficult.
3. Jon Kitna proves what a veteran quarterback he truly is when he passes away from old age at midseason. Interment at Pioneer Park Cemetery-Masonic.
4. Miles Austin continues to romantically collect reality-television stars by dating Alexis Neiers and Richard Hatch.
5. Marion Barber escalates his over-celebration of mediocre runs, eventually holding a time-consuming parade after every 2-yard gain.
6. Jerry Jones concludes the offense needs a midseason facelift, and decides to lead by example.
7. The Cowboys make the playoffs on an unlikely Leonard Davis touchdown. Making it more unlikely is the fact that Davis is playing cornerback for the pick-six.
8. Coach Wade Phillips will continue his impressive weight loss until he looks like an emaciated Newt Gingrich, causing well wishers to offer him prayers and desserts. Wade will then balloon back up to an impressive 380 pounds before tearfully confessing an emotional eating disorder at a press conference. It will end awkwardly when he eats the podium and the first few rows of reporters.
9. Tony Romo and Candice Crawford will marry in a lavish ceremony complete with cherubs and a laser show. Candice will wear an off-white, Vera Wang A-line dress with a 22-foot train. Tony will wear the same.
Under immense peer pressure, Tony will personalize his ensemble with an Ed Hardy leather vest and top it with a veiled backward ballcap. Groomsmen will include Marc Colombo and Bret Michaels.
Candice will please all with her touching, self-penned vows, but Tony will cause nervous glances when he reads his vows off an armband.
Instead of a unity candle, the bride and groom will light Jerry Jones' hair, causing giggles until his petroleum-based toupee burns long after the episode has ceased to be funny.
10. Cowboys win the Super Bowl at home.
You heard it here first.
